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A Window

As you may have read in my previous blog posts, I had a thyroidectomy due to papillary thyroid carcinoma.  After being home for less than 24 hours, my lips were tingling and my energy level dropped - signs of a calcium deficiency which can be quite typical following removal of the thyroid.  Because of this, I was re-admitted.

Those are the facts but here’s what I think about it - the lesson that I’m really supposed to take in, so much so that the Universe stuck me in a tiny room with no natural light - is how to release and relax.  In this tiny room I can’t work hard enough to get it right, I can’t make my lists and frenetically work to check the boxes and I can’t get up and move too much. I can read, nap, meditate, blog and just be.  The only thing that will get me out of here is cooperation with my body.

I have been listening for, being attentive to and taking in my lesson.  It’s not easy for me.

I am in the Rapid Response Unit and many people don’t stay even overnight.  I’m sort of an anomaly here. I’ve heard numerous people come and go - one of the most exciting things that happened here was that a patient ran away!  Out of the hospital he went and no one could catch him. A part of me ran out the door into the fresh, cool rain with him, feeling the exhilaration.

The RRU unit is dark.  When I look down the hallway I don’t see any windows.  There is a warm, yellow, rippled glass at the entrance that further imbues the place with a gloomy mood.  My room is large enough for one bed, side table and a folding chair. There’s a soft, yellow light on the wall and huge fluorescent overhead lights.  The sliding glass door is covered with a wrinkled and slightly ripped curtain. I’ve longed for an iron or perhaps a steaming wand to usher those wrinkles out.  I’ve even tried meditation on them to see if I can make them disappear! I can’t say that helped much.

I have, however, been keenly aware of many of the others in my unit.  There’s the man who was moaning in pain, begging for help. There’s the woman with the croupy, wheezing cough, the runner who was barking like a dog before he made a break for it and the woman next door who was admitted and brought along her five year old daughter because she didn’t have childcare.  I’ve connected with all of them. From my bed I reach out to their spirits with reassurance, calm and love. At times, I send them energetic remedies.

When I first arrived in RRU, I was completely self absorbed.  I was so sad to be stuck here with no window and no link to the outdoors that feeds my soul.  I spent half of the first day feeling sorry for myself. It was as if I’d lost who I was. All I could think about was my situation and how much I was missing my family.  It was a text from a dear friend that, in one sentence, helped me snap out of it. “Breathe in the suffering and breathe out love.” Yes! This is who I am! This is what I can do.  I felt an internal shift in that moment. I had forgotten that I am connected to all beings everywhere. I can not only draw on the energy for my own healing but I can also be a conduit.  

As I started to shift my awareness from self to others, my heart felt lighter and my body responded.  Even though I was stuck in this tiny, gloomy room, I felt happy. Going forward, I will think about RRU on the fifth floor, sending them all healing, light and love.

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